Suffering is not ennobling, recovery is! —Dr. Christen Bernard

As we go through our life, we face ups and downs. In most cases we deal with them as they come and learn from the lessons, dealing with them. In the process we discover ourselves. This is what makes our life meaningful; having conquered the challenges and having overcome the obstacles, becoming a better person in the process. As is said: Life is not about getting and having, but it is about being and becoming!

It is not uncommon to have a few challenges in our lives that are so daunting that they seem insurmountable; their source implacable. Often, too, these troubles seem to come in waves, also non-stop at certain times, and we have to put our “regular” life on hold, just dealing with them as they come. When this happens we often ask ourselves, “why me?”

In my profession as a career and a life coach I routinely come across clients who have faced big challenges and are finding ways to deal with them with all their resources and the new tools that I provide them so that they come on top. They, by and large, are willing to learn from others’ lessons to make them their own to accelerate their learning and to discover something about themselves in the process. This is an effective strategy for learning and for using a professional who has “been there, done that.”

However, sometimes, these clients, having seen the success and a turnaround with sound coaching, send me a friend or someone they know is suffering through their own challenges and is getting deeper in with their difficulties: a job loss followed by long periods of unemployment, followed by an addiction, culminating in an end of their relationship with their partner or their marriage. This list is long, but the pattern of these challenges that these people face is familiar; a spiraling cycle of negative events that deplete them and cause them to lose hope and to go into despair and to eventually face a blind funk that seizes them and paralyzes them!

It is often that I find these clients slowly slipping into martyrdom and making no attempts to recover from their plight, despite a clear path out of it by making a positive change in their lives to turn things around.

Why?

When a series of negative events come by our way, each one being worse than the previous, we feel naturally victimized and singled out in our plight. During such times we often look at our friends and others around us who are ostensibly “doing well” and ask ourselves what we did to deserve this fate. Often, too, our ego gets in the way of asking for a hand from those who can help us or provide us some guidance for moving forward. Our pride prevents us from taking actions that we perceive as condescending and we personalize our plight. What is needed, instead, is taking these challenges personally and moving forward.

What is the difference?

When someone takes a defeat or setback and personalizes them it means that they are finding ways that they could have avoided their fate by previously taking a different course of action, instead of the one that they took. They also indulge in  flights of speculation about what particular event must have been the tipping point in their sorry course of action that they are now facing. These speculative flights of fancy are often meaningless and do not provide any actionable way out of your ongoing and exacerbating plight.

Taking such events personally, on the other hand, means taking control of what is happening and forming a course of action to slowly overturn the cycle of events and bringing control back in your life. Since personalizing our plight does not provide any meaningful solution to our getting out of our own troubles, those in this state often resort to becoming a full-time martyr to deal with their situation. A full-time martyr is someone who is going around mouthing their troubles and seeking others’ sympathies—not actionable guidance—for their plight. They are less interested in taking positive action and trying new things, especially when it may entail condescending to lesser employment or doing things that are not “glamorous.”

The other characteristic these martyrs exhibit is that they often go around feeling sorry for themselves and only taking in the negative in any situation that they encounter. This now creates a self-defeating cycle that has only one ( of the two) way out: changing your outlook or becoming a martyr emeritus!

The lessons to be had from our difficulties include learning things that we are not comfortable with and making a change. If the change is not made in a timely way we run the risk of becoming irrelevant. Once we become irrelevant then we run the risk of losing hope of recovering what we lost through our transition, which if handled well, should make us stronger.

So, what is a course of action that one must follow to get out of our martyrdom and our difficulties and to come out on top? Here’s a list:

1. Vision and hope: Keeping a clear vision of the success you want to create when you come out of this transition and keeping your hope to achieve that vision are key to staying positive. Sometimes, it takes more effort than anticipated because of the deteriorating economy or other forces. So, staying energized by keeping your vision in sight is important in an uncertain transition.
2. Structure: When outside forces such a job loss, an impending negative event such a legal trial or a bankruptcy, or a divorce disrupt your fold of regular life, the best strategy is to bring back structure to your life. For example, your job, marriage, or everyday routine when things are going well provide you a certain structure and a rhythm to your life. When a disruption occurs, the best thing to do is to create a new structure and a new rhythm that helps you keep your life more predictable and managed. This goes a long way in managing yourself in many areas such a physical fitness, weight control, and mental well-being.
3. Discipline: When there is a major disruption in your life by external forces merely having a structure will not be enough. A disciplined approach to attending to what must be done is key to progress. There will be temptations from many fronts to avoid doing the right thing and those in martyrdom surrender to “treating themselves” to unhealthy food, bad habits that provide instant gratification, and time wasters that fritter away valuable resources. A simple error in judgment repeated multiple times is what culminates into a state of affairs, which suddenly become beyond control and spiral into a vicious cycle of behaviors. This is why self-discipline is so important when things are in the tank momentarily.
4. Self-esteem: When things start going awry, such as a job loss or financial setback, self-esteem is one of the first things that get affected. This spiraling self-esteem now spills into your everyday energy that you carry into your campaign of recovery. Not flogging yourself with your setbacks is a good strategy. Being with positive people in this state is far more conducive than being with “support groups” in which everyone else is in the same boat as you are. There, often, the race becomes between who is facing the most woes! An occasional trip to a support group can be healthy, but watch out from yourself becoming a part of a bunch of diehard martyrs!
5. Social events: Being alone when things look gloomy can exacerbate their affect. Getting out with positive people and not dwelling on your woes is a good move. Discussion of positive topics and intellectually stimulating conversations is the best antidote for feeling down and being in a funk. “Introverted” types (INTJs, ISTJs, etc) should make a special effort to become social in tough times.
6. Action plan: An action plan that is milestones driven is a good tool to keep in the battlefield. As long as you are able to generate meaningful action you are able to stay positive and hopeful and only you have control over how this is done, every day that you are facing your challenges. Sharing that action plan with another person in your support group can be a healthy habit.
7. Volunteering: Working with those less fortunate is always an empowering experience. It keeps your own woes in perspective and the fact that you can help someone even less fortunate can be energizing, just when you need it.
8. Taking time out: When things get intense and unbearable, it is often natural for us to try harder to overcome the forces. Often, it is best to just step back and reflect on what is going on and then come back to it with a fresh perspective at another time.
9. Celebrating wins: Even in the worst of times you succeed at some thing. Pause, reflect, and celebrate these successes. Nothing is more rewarding and energizing than reassuring yourself that you can still overcome life’s little challenges on your own.
10. Staying positive: Positive attitude is critical to coming out a winner through a tough situation. It is difficult to stay positive when things look gloomy and are falling apart for you internally. As is said, A positive attitude may not get you what you want, but it sure will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!

Good luck!

Navigating successfully through a career requires many ingredients. Hard work, planning, being there at the right time, knowing the right people, among factors, all play a role in a successful career. But, even then a career is filled with road bumps, unpredictable events, and situations that are sometimes hard to decipher. No matter how smart you are in what you do, having a perspective from an outsider and who can also give you the right insight at critical times are invaluable in keeping your career on track.

Being successful in a career is experiencing growth. Part of the growth comes from overcoming difficult situations that are personal in nature or from the way they affect your well being in an organization. Having someone you can implicitly trust and to whom you can reveal professional insecurities and personal inadequacies comfortably and confidentially are critical to a successful career. This is what a mentor can provide.

A mentor must be removed from your day-to-day life. This provides the objectivity to the mentoring process. This is where you talk to the mentor and communicate the challenge you face and try to get their objective advice. This is why your boss, colleague, or subordinate cannot be your mentor. They lack the proper clinical distance to give you objective advice.

A mentor is someone who takes personal interest in your professional success. They can be even be someone who earn a living doing this. A mentor, therefore, is someone who is committed to helping you find a path to career success. A good mentor uses the Socratic Method to develop you professionally and personally and provides the following:

• An objective perspective
• An industry and business insight coming from personal experience
• Wisdom from having lived through tough times
• A network of contacts
• Guiding you to other resources when they do not have the answers
• Personal intervention when your actions are undermining your welfare

Using the Socratic Method entails asking questions in a sequence to the person who comes seeking answers. The way questions are asked back reveal insights that can benefit the one seeking answers. Often, no one person can provide all these benefits. Some provide them to a varying degree. It is not uncommon to have different mentors that provide different inputs. Developing mentor/mentee relationship is one of the most challenging prospects in a career. A good mentor can make a difference in the success of a career.

Making it Happen

Decide what you want from a mentor/mentee relationship: What is your objective in this relationship? Are you looking for organizational guidance or are you looking for professional and personal development through this relationship? Are you looking for relationships? Answers to these and other questions can help in deciding whom to pursue for this relationship.

Assess what you bring: A good mentor/mentee relationship is typically a give and take. You must give something in return for what you get out of the relationship. Be very clear with the person so that there is no surprise or disappointment.

Make a list: Ask around and check out for yourself. The most important element of a good mentor/mentee relationship is personal chemistry. This is usually established in a series of meetings not just one encounter. Some companies have an official mentoring program. Enroll in the program and see what is available. Interview candidates so that you can get a good picture of the relationship you will develop over the long term.

The problem with a company-sponsored program is that once you leave the company the relationship ends. The other limitation is that it is difficult to explore matters that may be in conflict with the company’s interest (another job) without compromising you.

Establish ground rules: When do you see each other? How often? How long? Where (home)? These are some of the logistical issues that must be addressed? Often, they evolve just as the mentor/mentee relationship evolves.

Young Mentors

Although mentor in the dictionary sense means someone who acts as your trusted counselor or a guide, it has a connotation of seniority. A mentor is usually an experienced professional full of wisdom stemming from their years of having lived a life of adventure, accomplishments, and learning. They are also pursued because of their power, influence, and stature in the business community in which they play. In today’s context that definition of a mentor may be limiting. Why? Many young professionals these days are highly driven, accomplished, and savvy. The rapid growth of technologies has made mastering these technologies a challenge for most. Somehow, the younger generation seems to master them well and, as a result, is a great resource for learning. They are also well versed with how their generation deals with the fast-changing world, which the older generation seems to find challenging.

Having a young mentor may seem like a contradiction, but in today’s world it is a necessity. There is no rule that says you must have only one mentor. One of your mentors could be someone (or several) who is savvy at something that you want to learn. Jack Welch, the legendary chairman of General Electric, often courted Gen-Y (and even Gen-X) professionals and called them his mentors. He learned much about the Internet and how they look at the exploding commerce in this new paradigm.

Common Mistakes

The following is a short list of common mistakes made in developing a mentor/mentee relationship:

• You look to your boss to be your mentor.
• You and your mentor are frustrated with the lack of progress made. A mentor/mentee relationship is more about personal growth and maturity and not project deliverables.
• Having a blind faith in the mentor. Mentors are humans, too. They, too, need mentors. Do not expect too much from a mentor. They do not have all the answers.
• Not knowing when to move on. Every relationship plays out. Once you start seeing the end of a relationship because of your own growth or the stagnation of the mentor, gradually move on and do not make a big deal about it. Graduating to a different mentor is a sign of growth

Coaching

Coaching and mentoring are considered kindred needs in the corporate world. Although they are complementary in their application, nothing could be further from the truth. While mentoring involves someone who can guide you in your career and who brings both the content and the context of what is happening in your situation to the relationship, coaching invariably involves someone who gets paid for understanding the context of your predicament. A mentor can be a person inside your organization, if not in your company, but a coach is usually a professional who comes from the “outside.” Yes, some companies employ executive coaches who are on their staff, often they are a stable of professionals retained to serve an ongoing need when a company is doing well.

Coaching came into vogue in the mid 90s when the full impact of the newly-launched 360 degree review became growingly popular in the corporate culture. Annual reviews based on the 360 degree instruments typically highlight areas for an employee where they need to grow and increase their value in those areas. Managers typically do not have the time or the skill to help their direct reports to achieve this development. So, companies started hiring coaches to help employees in the specific areas of their needs. Many employees hire their own counselors or coaches to develop themselves, much like a physical trainer or sports coach.

The following guidelines are provided to help you select a coach that you may want to engage in your ongoing development:

1. The best sources of getting names for potential coaches is referrals from someone you know and someone who has shown progress that is visible to you.
2. Have a meeting with yourself and ask yourself introspective questions that articulate your need for development and the areas in which you see the need.
3. Meet with the coach for an initial session and explore their approach, compatibility, and style.
4. Do not sign up for a package deal no matter how much you save by paying in advance. Have a few sessions before you decide.
5. Make sure that the coach has real experience working in the corporate world and has shown career growth, reinventions, and has dealt with challenges that are typical in the corporate world. If they come from recruiting and HR staff or academic backgrounds they are less likely to be effective in what they have to offer.
6. If a coach cannot offer you specific and actionable guidance you are probably talking to a frustrated therapist who could not get their license.
7. If the guidance that you get in your sessions is not working for you, bring it up immediately in the next session and seek a course correction. If things are not working fire the coach and find another one.
8. Seek feedback from your colleagues and check for changes in your own self.
9. If you do not see things changing for yourself do not delude yourself by waiting longer.
10. If you do not respect the coach, you have lost the edge in your relationship and you must move on.